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In the Aftermath of a Tragedy
by Solly Border

 This story is about people’s interpretation of what’s good or bad; or how easily we see the glass half empty or half full. This scenario is the aftermath of Liviu’s departure from this world. As I may have mentioned in other stories, there is no pain larger than the loss of a child. Taking your own child to the grave is the most difficult experience of his parent’s life. I may repeat this statement many times in the course of this book, because it sticks in my brain all the time.

At first, weeks after the tragedy happened, we could not believe it was true. Many times we stared at the door with the belief that, at any moment, Liviu, dressed in his military fatigue, would enter the way he usually did when coming home from Fort Ord to spend the weekend with us. I remember how numb we were. I would look at Rose for many hours. My image about her was that she wasn’t alive. I could not imagine seeing her without Liviu. I was still with my first reaction when the officer arrived at our residence to inform us that Liviu’s helicopter crashed. Then, before I collapsed on the floor, I remember having seen Rose dying, not Liviu. Now finally I understood the reality of the situation. Our pragmatism prevailed and we knew that for the rest of our lives we were going to carry this burden with us.

There was no escape.

In order to put things in the right perspective, the first thing we did was to compare our recent tragedy to Harry, our dear cousin, whose daughter committed suicide when she was twenty years of age. After his daughter gave birth to a child, she couldn’t feed her baby because a rare disease afflicted her. The young girl complained to her father about the problem, asking for medical help. Harry didn’t understand her cry out and even pushed her to take an exam at the University. As a result of her inability to feed her baby, she then became suicidal. One afternoon, she went to the Railroad Station and entered a wagon (car). When the train traveled through a very long tunnel between Yassi and Barnova, she jumped off. Few of her body parts were found. Harry developed a guilt complex, which was crushing him. As a result, Harry wasn’t able to speak of his thoughts about his tragedy. Never again, did he pronounce his daughter’s name, nor shared with others his aching pain of such a terrible circumstance. Harry’s only daily occupation was to visit the cemetery where his sweet daughter was buried. First he died inside, then he soon died on the street, stricken with a heart attack!

Watching his irreversible tragedy, we believed his attitude was wrong. His daughter was an extraordinary girl, who brought tremendous happiness and pride to her parents. We did not want to react like Harry! It wasn’t right.

Liviu, in whom we had such pride, was a most exceptional kid who brought us so much satisfaction! Then let us talk about him, thus honoring his short life! Why not keep his memory alive by bragging about his achievements and his character? We knew we could never change the tears and sorrow into joy, but at least remembering and speaking of him would alleviate some of the pain.

Ever since, we lost no opportunity to continue to talk about Liviu and to honor his memory. When bad things happen, people feel helpless. They usually seek outside help and, of course, we were no exception.

All of a sudden, Rose and I wanted to find a divine entity who could save us. Jewish by extraction, both of us practiced only a few traditions. Because we never felt deeply religious, we turned our soul and mind toward Jehovah. It did not work! There was no relief because the Jewish faith does not believe in after life. We needed something more powerful to find out that there’s life after death and, therefore, we might have a chance to reunite with Liviu! We went to several churches of Christian denominations to search for that. But it didn’t work either. Maybe, after living so many years in a Communist atheistic society, a dent was put in our spirituality and we couldn’t relate to God, especially the kind of God who took our son away from us! Many people said to us ‘There may be a reason for what has happened,’ but nobody explained what kind of reason allowed parents to outlive their offspring.

In the end, we followed the American way. Let’s go to a therapist who has experience helping people deal with grief. A lady was recommended to us, who had, they said, miraculous results with disturbed people like us. We met this lady in her office in San Bruno. She let us speak freely from our heart, while she courteously took notes. She never interrupted us and, after almost one hour, she handed us her bill and made another appointment for us to see her. Before leaving her office, she turned to Rose and handed her a little book. She asked her to read it before we returned for our next appointment.

A few days later, upon returning home, I noticed Rose was much more depressed than usual. I asked her what was the matter? With tears in her eyes, she pointed to me the therapist’s book, opened at a certain paragraph, and asked me to read it. After I read it, I understood her concern. The author indicated that statistics showed 75% of married couples end in divorce when the death of a child occurred. I could not believe that Rose must read such a depressing statistic. I got very angry! Didn’t we have enough heartbreak when we lost Liviu? I was so impatient to return to the shrink and blame her for inciting my wife to divorce me, that I called to ask for an immediate appointment.

When I entered her office, I opened the book to the offensive paragraph that showed the horrendous statistic. I excitedly asked her, “How was it possible that such an idea should be inflicted on a woman who recently had lost her only son?” The lady calmed me down, then she said, “This paragraph is not meant to disturb your marriage; on the contrary, it is there to help your wife and you!” I almost lost my temper. I thought she was a charlatan in the devil’s service. I asked her, “How can you say something like that, Madam Shrink? How can you explain your behavior?” Again, the therapist told me to cool down and then explained, “I especially asked your wife to read this book. That paragraph is meant to help your marriage; it is there to give you a warning about how unconsciously people react under similar circumstances!” I needed just a moment to realize that, as I looked at the issue, she was correct. I kissed the hand of the therapist and left the office thinking how easily one can be fooled by a matter of interpretation.

Eleven years have passed since Liviu’s departure from us, and I am still married to Rose. Maybe, the therapist’s warning cemented our marriage and contributed to our staying together, until one of us joins Liviu!

 About the author: Solly wrote several essays about the loss of his son. They are all captioned in his book, “I Won One Thousand Battles But Lost The War.” For information on purchasing his book, send mail to Livsolrose@aol.com

Copyright © by Solly Border. All rights reserved.

Source: http://www.grieflossrecovery.com/grief-articles/border01.html

 
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